10 June 2009

Celebration of Life at Six - OR - I love my nephew, but my sister can never read this post!

Imagine a cinematic depiction of the most nightmarishly chaotic child's birthday party.

Now imagine that the scene lasts twice as long as necessary in this hypothetical movie: the audience has understood the point; it's time to move on.

Nothing could be that bad, right? But, for the sake of expanding one's knowledge -- or just to experience some party-crashing fun -- extend the scene into complete steadycam coverage of the 90-minute party. Except, here is the catch: while it may be theatre, it isn't film and there are no funny outtakes.

That is the how I spent my evening.

Kindergartners running rampant in the house. Toddling babies moving too quickly for their grandmas to catch them in a non-infant proof house with steps leading into every room. Food choices consisting of cold, greasy pizza and chocolate-dipped fruit arranged like flowers on plastic GIJoe spears stuck into a Sponge-Bob bucket. Drink: no sugar (good), no caffeine (bad), and wine in a jug so large, so Brobdingnagian, that it makes the extra-super, super-sized Tub-O-Coke at the QuikMart look like an palate-cleansing aperitif.

Orchestrate the scene to a soundtrack of a performance by STOMP! with harmony provided by a lively Labrador, located in the laundry, with a wood door as a washboard accompaniment, capable of performing simultaneously in two distinct voices: a high-octave yelp and a window-rattling, basso profundo woof.

And, to think that the sugar wasn't even introduced until the last half hour, served suitably, if not predictably, atop store-bought chocolate cake.

As we left the party, I turned to my recently injured son, hobbling out to the car without crutches, and asked: Got Vicodin?

For more party snarking, surf over to Cake Wrecks and laugh while you rubber-neck at some other party disasters.


Kay said...

Oh that is too funny! Love it. Can picture it all. Very well written,Cam.

ZoesMom said...

Oh my God, I think I was at that party! LOL

Anne said...

You are so funny. I am aching with laughter. Excruciating. I have been to that party.

Anonymous said...

My whole body aches in sympathy. Nowadays, we just go with the party plans at the local sports centre where at least there's a little less potential for serious injury.

Courtney said...

ugh. I see this in my future as more and more of my friends start having children...I think I need to buy a flask...

Cam said...

Thank you all for your comments. Glad that I made you laugh. The particular family in question has another child with a birthday in a few weeks. Not sure whether to be thinking of excuses or stockpiling sedatives. Perhaps I already have my opening line for a post following that one: All happy birthday parties are alike; each disasterous one is disasterous in its own way. :)